Cancer Musings (Chemo Day - Taxol #10)

Today was my 10th treatment of Taxol, only 2 more to go. Oddly, I had a small reaction to the pre-med of Benadryl this time around, which I've been receiving for the past 9 weeks without issue. Chemo is weird that way. Things can change quickly. It was controlled quickly, my blood pressure came down, and we proceeded with treatment. They will lower the dose of Benadryl next week. 

I had 4 appointments today, so it was a busy day. I met with my oncology provider, lab, and infusion which are part of the normal process, but in between those appointments, I also had an appointment with a surgeon. Surgery is an inevitable part of this process and one I haven't talked much about yet. With other forms of breast cancer, often surgery is done first (often a mastectomy) and then chemo is done afterwards to kill what ever cancer cells are left. With triple-negative breast cancer, in many treatment plans, the opposite course of action is taken. It's chemo first and surgery last due in part to the aggressive nature of this form of cancer. 

I was nervous about this appointment today because I'm very unsettled about the decision of surgery. The surgeon I met with today was the first provider I met when I was diagnosed back in November. She delivered the news to me and gave me the details about the diagnosis. It didn't go that well. She was very nervous about telling me that it was triple negative breast cancer, and I was very confused about what that meant and why I was meeting with a surgeon if I was going to have chemo first. No one has talked to me about surgery since that day 5 months ago, so I didn't know what to expect for today. 

With my previous apprehension, much prayer, and Greg at my side, I met with the surgeon today, and God answered many prayers in that appointment. I did know ahead of time that the choices in surgery would be lumpectomy or mastectomy. If I choose lumpectomy, it would be followed by a course of radiation. If I choose a mastectomy, it would be followed by reconstructive surgery. I wasn't excited about either of these options. 

The surgeon couldn't have been kinder or more compassionate in today's appointment (she even asked to hug me at the end of it). She spent a lot of time with the two of us and answered all our questions. She gave me referrals to all the team members (plastic surgery, radiation oncology) so I could gather more information before I made a decision. Surgery can't be done until at least 4 weeks after chemo ends (to give the body some time to recover), so it will take place sometime in June but has not been scheduled yet. By the grace and provision of God, I feel more ready to make a decision about surgery and a little more at ease. 

It was a full day, and I was grateful to have Greg with me through all of it. It has become our habit to take a picture together at each chemo appointment and today was no exception. 

Cancer Musings (Spring Hat)

Today was a beautiful, unseasonably warm April day in Minnesota. The thermometer hit 81 degrees. I also had an unusual amount of energy for a Saturday (which is usually a harder day in the after-chemo cycle for me), which prompted Greg and I to go to a local park and take a walk. 

Recently, I was talking to my friend, Sue, and telling her that the hard thing for me about seeing the warmer weather come is that I'd have to stop wearing my favorite winter hats to cover my bald head. I live in those hats and prefer them to the wig, but there is a point when winter knitted hats with pom-poms start to look ridiculous (and get pretty hot). Upon hearing my lament, my friend ordered a spring-summer appropriate hat for me and gave it to me. That was such a kind thing for her to do. I've mentioned before that the kindness and compassion and generosity of God and people has been what has overwhelmed me (with gratitude) the most during this cancer journey. 

It was the perfect hat for today. I was grateful to God for the opportunity (and energy) to use the "spring" hat for the first time. 

Cancer Musings (Chemo Day - Taxol #9)

Today was my 9th treatment of Taxol. Only 3 more to go. I had several good days last week and was able to eat more food than usual. I thank God for that. Greg was able to be with me today, which I am also grateful for. 

Though I'm nearing the end of chemo, I'm not nearing the end of this journey quite yet. There will be a surgery in my future (lumpectomy or mastectomy). I meet with the surgeon again as part of next week's appointments to finalize some of those decisions There needs to be at least 4 weeks between the last chemo session and surgery, so it will likely be in June and will require a recovery period and time off of work. Prayer for that decision is appreciated. 

I've worked hard through this journey to share it with others all along the way (such as with this blog). I ask for help from the Lord to celebrate what I can celebrate and mourn what I need to mourn. He is helping me to do that. One way that I do that is to make sure we take a picture at every chemo session/appointment. You'll find the picture of Greg and  me at today's appointment listed below..

Cancer Musings (The Cancer Train)

When I was first diagnosed with cancer, I felt like I was on a runaway train that I couldn't get off from. And I kept saying that over and over. The "train" was set in motion, and I couldn't stop it. There were so many phone calls and appointments and decisions. There was no break from it. That feeling hasn't changed that much since the beginning of the process, but I have learned to roll with it and embrace it as time has gone on. 

I started to use the "train" as an out of the ordinary way to journal the process. I cut out little paper train cars and wrote down the different appointments, treatments, side effects, etc. that have come with the cancer experience. I don't want to forget what has happened along the way. I want to remember it and use it to fuel compassion for others I encounter along the way and in the future. 

I posted the train on the wall next my favorite chair in our bedroom, so I can see it and be reminded. 

It didn't take long and I made a second train. The first one I call the "Cancer Train", and the second one I call the "Gratitude Train". On the gratitude train cars I'm writing down all the kind things God has done through people and answered prayer since this journey began (cards in the mail, meals delivered to our door, encouraging conversations, etc.) It keeps things in perspective for me. 

It's a work in progress, and my prayer is that in the end the Gratitude Train is far longer than the Cancer Train. 

Cancer Musings (Chemo Day-Taxol #8)

Today was my 8th treatment of Taxol. The finish line is in sight. Only 4 more to go. By the grace of God, I had more good days than bad days last week, and the side effects were fewer and tolerable.

We have been very fortunate through this process that Greg has been able to attend most of the chemo and doctor appointments with me. He hasn't had to go out of town for work nearly as much this winter compared to past years, and we're very grateful for that. Today, however, Greg did have to work an in-town show, so he wasn't able to attend this infusion appointment. I had my back-up guy with me. Papa-Larry came with me and filled in as my "ice pack technician". He did a great job and it was nice to have him there. 

The only appointment I had today was labs/infusion, so it was a quicker process than usual. I felt well going into it and there were no complications along the way. I praise God for the good day and his continued care along this journey. 

I've included a couple pictures below. 

Cancer Musings (Good Friday & Easter)

For me personally and for our household, the Easter holiday is all about recognizing and honoring the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ . We consider it the most significant event(s) in history and the basis of our Christian faith. With that in mind, I set out with a very specific purpose for this weekend: Operation Conserve Energy. It was my goal (and my prayer) to stay as rested as possible so I could make it to the Good Friday and Easter services at our church this weekend. The reason I chose the church services is because it is the place I knew these events would be most recognized and focused on. I set aside any ideas of hosting a family gathering or attending a family gathering because I knew ahead of time I would not have the strength and energy for more than one extra event in a day.

God answered my prayers. I was able to attend the somber, poignant, and thought-provoking Good Friday service. This year our church did a Tenebrae service, meaning the lights progressively dimmed after each reading and song until the service ended in darkness and we walked out in silence. This was to symbolize the darkness of Jesus' death and describe the darkness that came over the land on that day as described in Matthew 27:45 "Now from the sixth hour there was darkness over all the land until the ninth hour.."

This morning I was able to attend the celebratory Easter service where we honored the resurrection of Jesus from the dead with light, color, joyous song, and reading God's Word. 

It was so good to be at both services, and I thank God for the opportunity. I can truly say I appreciated it more this year than I have in the past because this year it became precious to me all over again. 

" He is not here, but has risen. Remember how he told you, while he was still in Galilee, that the Son of Man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men and be crucified and on the third day rise." Luke 24:6-7

" We know that Christ, being raised from the dead, will never die again; death no longer has dominion over him. For the death he died he died to sin, once for all, but the life he lives he lives to God." Romans 6:9-10

Cancer Musings (Chemo Day - Taxol #7)

Today was my 7th treatment of Taxol. I'm over the hump now. Only 5 left to go. Usually I have a couple good days right before I have chemo again, but this time around, there were no good days. I was sick the whole way through and had a very hard time eating all week (but I did eat). No upswing this time around. By the time I got to this morning, I was pretty weak and hoping when they drew labs they wouldn't let me do chemo this week. But my labs came back fine with the exception of slightly low potassium, which was not enough to keep me from going through with the treatment. 

The oncology team gave me some easy solutions to increase my potassium through diet and supplements, which I feel confident will allow me to regain some strength and feel a little better. By the grace of God, the pre-meds they gave me before the Taxol infusion today allowed me to regain some strength and tolerate the med. I was even able to eat lunch afterward. I feel better this evening than I've felt this week so far. 

When I saw the oncologist last week, she told me I'm at the point in the treatments where I'm going to have to "dig deep" to get through it because the weariness sets in and the side effects continue. I'm finding that to be true, so I'm digging deeper into prayer and reliance on God and His faithfulness. The prayers of others are also a huge help to me at this time, and I thank you all who are praying and for the many kindnesses I've been shown in this journey.